First Post of the Trip 8/21/19

To summarize the first three days (two days travel and one day in Astana (Nursultan)), I have done a lot of walking. A three hour delay in Kansas City and a tenish hour layover in New York, let me log 5.6 miles. The second day included a forced march through the world’s largest airport (Istanbul) — 6.6 miles. And today — my one full day in Astana, let’s do it all — boom, boom, bang it out! 13.5 miles and I still need to run out and get dinner.

Astana is about what I expected. I only devoted about one and a half days to it. As a city, it did exist prior to it being named the capital about 20 years ago. It had a different name (can’t remember) and about 275,000. When it was decided that it would be Kazakhstan’s new capital, a ton of money was spent, and is stilling being spent on infrastructure and buildings —everything from government buildings to arenas to a circus to the largest mosque in central Asia. Driving in from the airport, it was fairly indistinguishable from Overland Park, Kansas with convenience stores and a Hampton Inn.

The national mall was arranged with the Presidential palace at one end and Khan Shatyr (a shopping mall in the world’s largest tent) at the other. The mall is enclosed by buildings on either side. This strikes me as a throwback to Soviet planning as I have seen it in other Soviet cities.

Before I came, I had heard that in the past few years Astana had gone from nothing to do to being a town with great food. And great food should be interpreted as a wide selection of ethnic — everything but Kazakh. One of the main things that I travel for is food, so when I broke down and went to a gastropub for lunch, I was disappointed when the ‘Beef prepared in the Mongolian Style’ was strikingly similar to generic Mongolian Beef in any Chinese restaurant in the US. One restaurant does not indict an entire city — and when you get further away from the ‘new center’, the city does become more Kazakh.

Having said that, I would like to come back to Astana in about ten years and see how it’s changed. In every direction is a construction crane. New concrete and steel structures are going up constantly. Trees are growing and filling in. On the way back to the airport, corporate campuses were springing up at every intersection. Astana is also building light rail. It remains to be seen whether Astana is the city of the future or just another indulgence of unchecked power.

Jobs versus Callings

I have always had a job, never a calling. I have never felt compelled to do anything by a force greater than myself. I don’t think a calling is necessarily religious, though it can be. I think my brother had a calling to be a journalist. I think my wife has a calling to be an artist.

Though I have only known Tanya about ten years, I can see that art has always been a part of her. Her art has changed over the years, from drawing to painting to textile to beads to carving and some things I am sure I am leaving out. It is a daily necessity for her to make something. She goes to the studio daily and creates something. It doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad or something that is an experiment or prototype for future work. The act is necessary for her.

I don’t have that. I don’t feel compelled to do what I do, never have. I don’t feel as though I missed my calling and if I had just fallowed a different path, I would have been like her. I think that some have this innate desire and others don’t. A calling is an ability to focus. What I have is ADHD of life. I think I have beaten it down some by changing jobs, but staying in the same profession. That’s allowed me to make more money and not have to constantly being starting over. I think constantly trying something new would suited me better. I think that’s why it’s coming to head. I just can’t continue to do the same thing. Even the podcasts are getting boring.

God give me the strength to keep my head down for one more year (actually more like 11 months).

Am I Happy?

I think so. I have a wonderful wife and daughter. Admittedly, I am struggling to come to terms with the idea of having a daughter. I do know that I need her in my life and have to accept that this is not a decision that I get to make.

Do I worry about what others think? Too much, but less than i used to. The less i care about what others think the happier I am. That’s not to say, i should feel that way about everyone. I don’t.

I still weigh too much, but am getting in better shape. Lifting weights twice a week has improved my strength and my body image.

I am living in the house I want and in the town I want to live in.

We’re financially pretty secure.

So why do I want to roam? I think it’s just my nature. I have always been a loaner. I have always preferred my own company. I have always like to see and try new things. I think I will miss people. Notably Tanya and Alison. I will worry about my aged mother and dogs. I worry about whether I should wait until they are all gone before I roam a little, but don’t know if I can.

I think coming back in a year could mark a turning point in my work life as well. This just seems important.

Existential Angst

I guess we all ask these questions at some point.  Whether it's a mid-life crisis or trying to figure out a career path or a gender role.  The weight of the world, or the reflection of a lifetime (to date) are coming into focus.  I think, when I was younger, my life would have made more of an impact or served more people.  But, the truth is, I never found my calling and I have reached the conclusion that I don't have -- many of us don't.  i admire people who can figure out at an early age what they want out of life and just do that.  I don't know that i want to be them, but it seems like they have managed to make one aspect of their life a lot less complicated.

I have always had divergent interests and a desire to serve others.  I'm not sure what that means.  I'm also plagued by doubt.  Let's start with divergent interests.  I think, career-wise, I packed those away at an early age and settled into a career in engineering.  This has afforded me the opportunity to make a decent living without ever really advancing.  i get bored, frustrated, whatever and move on.  The longest I have stayed in one job is shy of six years.  This sealed my fate for advancement. 

The desire to serve was probably killed by a career in engineering.  I have designed hundreds of buildings -- mostly commercial, Walmarts, convenience stores, etc.  it's hard to argue for a public good in those structures.  Now I work mostly for insurance companies helping them evaluate claims. I guess I have never felt that i was particularly good at engineering because I lack the passion that most of my colleagues have.  I view it as a job -- not a calling.   I can't bear to spend an extra minute with most of my colleagues, past or present.  They are not my people.  

What does this have todo with service?  Nothing, other than that I have never really done any.  Which brings us to doubt.  Part of why I have never been too committed to the service that i crave is doubt.  Doubt that any service I provide will have more than a fleeting impact, if not actually do harm.  Most service organizations have some ulterior motive at their core.  I checked into a few different organizations that drill water wells or build schools in the developing world.  Both laudable goals, but they also had a strong evangelical bent to them.  Here's your water and your Bible.  You lack the skills to read it, so I'll tell you what's in it.  Or, they decide what people need in a certain part of the world to make them more like us.  It's complicated and something is missing.  Sorry I have more questions than answers.

I think that education might be the best form of service.  People can use education to help themselves.  Sure, clean drinking water is also important, but it has to come without judgement.