How to be a Good Father in Difficult Times

I don’t know. I mostly feel like a failure.

That’s not to say that I am not proud of Alison. It just means that I don’t know what to do and I feel like she feels like I have done something wrong.

So, here I sitting writing on a blog that no one reads because i haven’t told anyone about it, trying to work out my feelings in this existential crisis.

I worry about health issues, employment issues, about being driven away. What will happen when she ages out of our healthcare in a few years and doesn’t have healthcare that will pay for Crohn’s meds?

Do I back off, do I cling?

My hair is finally going gray which should make Tanya happy.

Tossing and Turning

i have been meaning to write a new post for a while, if for no other reason than to stay in practice.  Two main thoughts have been occupying my mind.  First, my child.  My Daniel,  my Alison.  He is not doing well.  The Crohn's medication is not working and the doctor is switching him to a different medication.  I still have my issues with gender identity as you can see.  Parenting never ends.

Second, is my future.  We have been talking about me taking a year off and doing a walk about.  It looks like the best time would be to move it up to September 2019.  I am thinking of starting in the Stans and moving west toward Europe and the middle east.  That would take about four months, then Tanya and I would head to southeast Asia for her sabbatical.  Nothing too definite yet, just casting around for ideas.  

Parenting Comes with Challenges

I have been trying to put my thoughts together on this for a while now.  

I should start by saying that my one child was pretty easy to raise.  Aside from a diagnosis of Crohn's disease at the age of 15, it's been a pretty easy ride.  My ex-wife and I separated at age 3, and later divorced, even that was fairly smooth.

The most difficult challenge came near the end of college when my ex and I got an e-mail from our only child, wherein we were told that he wanted to be a she and that she wanted to be called Alison.

I can't say that nay of us have done anything perfectly in the nearly one year since this came out in the open.  i still haven't told anyone.  I come from a small town, my mother is 84.  I just don't know how to address this topic.  I'm a pretty liberal guy, I should be the parent best equipped to deal with this, but it is really hard to accept.

Questions:

1.  Is this just a phase?  Prior to a year ago, he had a beard and never expressed any feminine qualities.  Why this? Why now?

2.  Is it his friends?  All kids these days seem to have some sort of gender fluidity.  

3.  Is it some kind of persecution complex?

4.  Is it real?  

Answers:  One thing I have always believed as a parent is that you want your child to be true to themselves and live their most fulfilled life while not having to go through the pain that may be involved with that.  Of course, a fulfilled, pain-free life is impossible.  

I have second-guessed everything I have done as a parent.  Did I somehow cause this?  If I had paid catch more or forced sports or other manly activities, would that have helped.  Is science right?  is there a disconnect gender identity and biological gender?  How do we talk about this?  

Where I am at right now is to just not abandon, be present.  Alison has moved a few hundred miles away.  I try to call and text frequently and be supportive.  This is not my decision(s) to make.  All i know is that i need Alison in my life and everything else is secondary.