bath

The Problem with Public Baths in Budapest

Budapest has a centuries old tradition of public baths. These started as hot springs and roman bath houses and evolved to follow the model of Turkish hammams. In a hammam, they are either unisex or segregated by sex. Typically, the only clothing worn would be a towel wrapped around the body. This attire goes for most of the employees as well. Time, local traditions, and the preferences of a particular hall account for some deviations in this. The basic layout of a hammam includes sauna, steamroom, scrub/massage. In addition, some will have options of various spa treatments including manicure and pedicure, different types of massage and whatever else they can sell. Some even have a bar. The Budapest model has hot tubs of varying temperatures and swimming pools (usually indoor and outdoor). It should also be noted that the bathhouses in Budapest are treated as medical facilities and they do some physical therapy for older persons there. I am not sure how this works, but there was a water aerobics session going on in the pool at Gellert.

The major Budapest baths, with the exception of Rudas have all gone coed. Rudas, had gone coed on weekends and was women only on Tuesdays and men only every other day. On Friday and Saturday nights, they are open for coed bathing from something like 8p until 4a (may want to check that as I too old to even consider it). If you decide to go to Rudas, I would check that.

I went to Rudas and to Gellert. At Rudas, the cost for bathing was about $12 and a 60 minute massage was about $70. I went on a men only day. Completely nude bathing is no longer allowed, even on single sex days. Instead, they issue you a bathing apron. It is exactly as it sounds. It is a little white apron that ties around the waist and covers your front (some of the old Hungarian guys, whether out of protest or hygiene turned theirs around so it covered their butts.) The masseur was male and the apron remained on during the massage. The massage facility was among the nicest I have ever seen with beds that could be raised and lowered. The beds were padded and dry and in a quiet room away from the baths. Most hammans do their massage in a common room on a marble slab, so this was an upgrade.

The main bathing room had an octogonal pool under a rotunda at the center and four hot tubs ranging in temperature from 28 to 42 degrees C (82 to 108 degrees F). To the sides were saunas and the steam room. The steam room had a warning sign about using at one’s own risk, blah, blah, blah. The steam room had three chambers, each getting progressively hotter. The first was tolerable, the second was uncomfortable and the third I felt like I should be basted and put on a spit. I lasted less than a minute in the third room. In addition, they had normal showers and a resting room.

Overall, Rudas was a nice experience. There were few tourists with most of the clientele being older Hungarian men. The facilities were well maintained. The original facility dates back centuries. On the walls, were some pictures of what it looked like prior to being renovated. Prior to the renovation, the facility was split into two sides so that both sexes could bathe every day.

The Gellert Bath was a different experience. The bath house is attached to the Gellert Hotel which is an older hotel and looks quite posh as does the bath. This is one of the two most well known baths in Budapest, the other being Szechenyi. I chose not to go to Szechenyi because it was quite expensive (entrance ticket was about $70, but included free shampoo) and because it is actually quite far from the city center, whereas Rudas and Gellert are both near the Danube.

Gellert operates as a coed facility only, so you will either need to bring or rent a bathing suit. They also have the Friday and Saturday night parties like Rudas and Szechenyi and probably some others. Gellert, like Szechenyi (I have seen pictures) are beautiful facilities. Gellert has a large lap pool, baths at four different temperatures (though these are two each on opposite sides of the facility, so you could miss half of them if you don’t explore. It also had saunas and steam rooms. These seemed to be tuned to the tastes of tourists. The sauna for example, had three chambers. The first, was set to something like ‘An Evening in Phoenix’, you might want to bring a wrap. The other two were somewhat warmer, though none really got the job done. The steam room lacked the brutality of the Rudas steam room and might have even been enjoyable except that the steam generator appeared to be under the benches. When they kicked on, your butt and legs got uncomfortably warm. I did not spring for a massage at Gellert.

The coed aspect of Gellert limited my enjoyment. First, because I am a bit of a spa professional (not the kind that depends on spas for their livelihood), but in the sense that I like spas. I like to relax. I like a massage, a peel, a scrub, a hot tub, a sauna, a cold dunk (missing from Budapest, it may be a safety thing. They had cold tanks, but you had to walk down stairs to get in. I can’t do that, it’s all or nothing.), a steam room, a mani/pedi. There’s nothing to not like. The first thing making it coed does is bring in tourists — I am sure that financially, this is a winner. Bringing in tourists drives prices up and crowds the facility with people who don’t know what they are doing or where they are going (and of course, if you don’t know where you’re going, find a doorway and stand in it.) It also means that people are dressed in a presentable manner, so people bring cameras or smartphones and are snapping pictures of everything. When everyone is mostly naked, there are no cameras. Lack of cameras is kind of an essential part of being able to relax and be in the moment.

The dynamic of men versus women is also just different. In the men only facility, men go in, undress, put on their apron and go. In the coed facilities, everyone is carrying a tote bag. I’m not sure why, but it bothered me. It was one more thing to think about and keep me from relaxing. Which brings me to the final problems: couples or groups, particularly those on vacation. It is no longer acceptable just to take a picture of a thing, or even a person standing in front of a thing. Now, one must pose in front of a thing. If you don’t believe me, look up some travel blogs or travel instagrammers. These are predominantly young women. They all strike the same pose (usually in inappropriate attire for whatever the place, though here they’re just in swimsuits). That pose is about 5 o’clock to the camera — enough to show the shapeliness of the ass, but not the size. The back is arched and the face is in profile looking far off into the distance. The far off gaze is particularly annoying in a hot tub. These photos are usually staged in high traffic areas and the photo shoots can take a while.

So, for my money, I would avoid the coed facilities. This may not be popular if you are with your family, but it is the more relaxin spa experience. Who knows, if I were 30 years younger, I might enjoy one of the all night parties, but probably not.

Taze Bey Hamam: The Weirdest Place on Earth

If you have seen pictures of the outside of Taze Bey, multiply it by ten and you get an idea of the inside. If you’re a man (no women allowed), put this on the list of must-visit places in Baku. As hamams go, I’ve seen better. As experiences go, this won’t be replicated. The decoration reminded me of mid-range restaurants from the 80s decorated from garage sales. And maybe that’s where this stuff came from — when those places went out of business, the owners took to EBay. Maybe Taze Bey picked this stuff up on the dollar rack of EBay. Most of it was in English. Taze Bay is actually quite old, dating the late 1800s, it was renovated around 30 years ago and that’s when most of the decorating was done. Much of the decoration was some form of statue — some Roman or Greek, others more contemporary, but they were everywhere. License plates were also prominently featured along with pictures of scantily clad women, and just about any tasteless relic you can think of — I don’t think anyone can conclusively say it’s not there.

I spent about $80 for about two and a half hours. My sequence through the hamam was as follows: (1) toilet, (2) pedicure, (3) shower, (4) sauna, (5) cold plunge, (6) sauna, (7) wait in the bar, (8) peel, (9) wait in a different bar, (10) massage, (11) steam room and beatdown with branches, (12) even colder plunge, (11) scrub.

I mention the toilet only because it was so fucking bizarre. It should be noted that every somewhat even surface in this place that wasn’t used for walking had some sort of gaudy something or another on it and the bathroom was no exception. The decor of the stall (white toilet, black seat) was mostly pictures of scantily clad women. There were also old license plates and various other mementos. There was also a telephone with a sign in three languages, the English said “Local.” There was a bidet. Mounted approximately at toilet paper height was a little holster or pocket protector thing. In it were individual cigarettes. Smoking is a thing in Azerbaijan and a theme running through the decorating here was ashtrays with cigarette butts next to no smoking signs.

The Taze Bey Hamam is more regimented than other hamans. It is not an open affair where you wander from sauna to cold plunge to steam room at your own pace and avail yourself of the services you please. They tell you where to go and when to go there.

The shower was a shower and the last normal place I would be in a while. I don’t know why the shower wasn’t decorated, or maybe I was just too preoccupied searching for a towel to notice.

You enter the pedicure room by descending a steep, narrow staircase and go through saloon doors. This room is decorated by pictures of scantily clad women, a rather intricate inlaid wood piece of naked women in a sauna beating each other with branches, a sign with a silhouette of a naked woman with hands reaching for her. The sign had the red circle and bar and said, “You can look but don’t touch.”

I’m not sure why I needed to be naked, wearing only a towel for a pedicure, but I guess it’s not about me. I think she did a fine job with the pedicure while listening to the farm report on Russia 1. There was a foot soak and nail maintenance followed by sanding my feet. My feet have finely finished into something resembling 00 sandpaper with a few ridges built in by years of wearing Birkenstocks without socks. This woman used several different tools to smooth the skin and file down the ridges to where my feet are smooth to the touch. Where before the bottoms of my feet were perfect for scratching any itch they could reach, now I will have to wear my hiking boots for that service. I have to say, my nails do look better than they have in a long time.

The sauna was kind of a mask theme, though further back the masks changed to wooden buckets and ladles. The first thing you notice when entering the sauna is the smell. Menthol. They had somehow infused the dry heat with menthol, so it was kind of like being in the Vicks room, except it was a dry heat. The menthol permeating every cubic inch of the environment causes your skin to sting and tingle. As sweat wells up on your skin from the sauna, the intensity of the tingle is magnified. So, I made myself a nice little spot to lay out of a couple of towels to protect me from the hot wooden bench and lay down and closed my eyes. I opened my eyes a few minutes later to discover that the entire ceiling of the sauna was covered with masks — African, weird pirate-like guys, and caucasian. My eyes were drawn to one caucasian mask in particular. Its eyes were closed and his mouth was open. He bore a striking resemblance to Donald Trump — not what you want to see when you’re wearing only a plaid towel. My next trip through the sauna, I would opt for the comfort of the buckets.

The cold pool next to the sauna wasn’t bad. It’s kind of refreshing to plunge into cold water after a sauna. This was as normal as a bunch of naked men in a cold pool can be. The decorations in here was mostly gold statues, some were fountains spitting water into the pool, some were not. Most were naked or partially naked women. There was one cowboy, a gun and holster had been added for authenticity. Oh yes, and many plastic skeletons were hung from the ceiling.

The peel and scrub area consisted of multiple stations. Each station consisted of a marble sarcophagus for you to lay down on and water hoses. The man who would be peeling or scrubbing you was clad in a plaid towel. The rest of the room mostly was decorated in gold statues. Two, one a partially clothed Greek woman and the other a Victorian woman carrying flowers were used to stack spare towels on their heads. Peeling was done between the sauna and massage and scrubbing was done at the end. During the peel, the guy in the plaid towel made it a point of showing me how much of my skin he had removed. I think he was implying that it was a lot and that I needed to come in more often for a buff. The scrub involved using some substance with pumice in it to really clean the body.

The massage was a fairly normal massage though done in a basement room decorated with scantily clad women and carried out on a marble sarcophagus.

I don’t really recall how the steam room was decorated as it was steamy and dark. The steam room though is where they beat you branches, this being full service, there is actually a guy who does the beating for you. And beat he did. Back, front, sides, arms, legs. And when he’s done, he reaches behind him and picks up a pan of cold water and throws it in your face. Then he does it again. And again. Only the first one is a though.

Right next to the steam room is cold plunge room. This one is different than the other. It is in a subbasement and is really, really cold. The water level comes up the stairs, so you have to disrobe before entering (there’s a nude descending stairs joke here but I’m too lazy to make it.) This tub takes up the entire room and is also a whirlpool. I lasted well less than a minute here as my ankles began to ache from the cold.

So, the Taze Bey was not my favorite hamam from a usage experience, but the visual shouldn’t be missed.

Arasan Baths Part II -- I Bought a Hat

I returned to the baths on Sunday after taking in some of the Sunday morning Russian Orthodox service at Accenion Cathedral a block away. The bathing is more expensive on weekends (2400 Tenge/hr vs. 1200 Tenge/hr). At current exchange rates this works out to $3.50 vs. $7/hr. All the other services remain the same.

I spent about three hours there taking in all three bathing styles, lounging by the pool and getting a massage and scrub. The scene is considerably different on weekends. Fathers bring sons, groups of friends gather, and all in all there are just a lot more people there.

This time I inquired about a hat so that I would not look like a newbie and boil my brain in the Finnish bath. With my new hat, I started in the Finnish bath. It was crowded with men and seemed hotter than it did last time. I took a seat on the upper level and, as I did not bring any shrubs, sat and watched other beat themselves and each other with these parts of trees. The sound of a dozen men thrashing their naked skin with dried leaves is rhythmic and out of sync. It’s easy to key in on one nearby thrasher and hear his branches in rhythm while the others, the background singers are a bit behind the note. James Brown would have a fit.

After a bit of thrashing, a large man gets up and stands in front of me, hanging on to the railing. A friend of his gets up and starts thrashing the man’s back. He then returns the favor. All the thrashers kind of partner up and beat each other. Fathers beat sons, in the one time its accepted. Leaves break off and land on every available surface. I had some on my leg, the man had some stuck to his ass.

Being alone and not having sufficient language skills to carry on a conversation, I was left to observe and contemplate. I was struck by how some many people in the same place, at the same time, doing the same thing were having such different experiences. For some, it was a hang out with friends, like the weekly coffee shop. For others, it was a father-son bonding time. For me, it was more meditative. It was a time I could have been trying to decide where I wanted to go with the rest of my life, but instead I thought about where I wanted to go in the afternoon and what kind of massage I wanted.

So, today I decided to go all in — I did the oil massage and a scrub. The oil massage, I would recommend over the general massage just because of the oil. Let’s talk about the scrub. Get the scrub. A guy wearing what amounts to loofas on each hand scrubs your whole body. It is heaven. America needs to ditch its puritanism and embrace these baths.