Today was my first trip to a Russian bath. This was a monumental occasion because love basically all kind of spa treatments. I had read some about what to expect, but that only gets you so far. The baths are located in this brutalist, concrete building near Panilov Park in Almaty.
The way the place works is that you pay an entrance fee when you arrive and pay for all the extra stuff when you leave. They take credit cards. You will most likely need to rent slippers and a sheet or towel. Everything comes sealed in large, clear plastic envelopes, using the type of plastic that is rigid enough to be creased and seamed. They will scan your bracelet to track your purchases.
The bracelet also unlocks a locker where you can store things. On the inside, they have three types of baths — Russian, Turkish and Finnish. They also have contrast showers, dunk tanks and a swimming pool. I recommend doing it all. The bath part charges hourly, but if you spend over 5000 tenge (~$14) and you will if you get a massage. And without a massage, why live?
You should also get a dorky felt hat to wear. I did Russian, contrast, Finnish, contrast, Turkish, contrast, swimming pool. Then I noticed there was a second floor, so I went up to see if it was the same it was. As I was wandering around, someone spoke to me and I said that I didn’t understand and spoke English. He said Welcome (about the only English he knew) and motioned me to follow him. He led me to the Russian bath, where a group of men were entering. One said to me, “where’s your hat?”, I shrugged. The man who had led me this far took off his hat and slapped it on my head and I entered with the other men. After a short period, many of the men started beating themselves with shrubs that you can purchase on site (I hadn’t bought any, since a few years ago a paid a shaman in Ecuador to rub some herbs on me and thought I was going to end up with poison ivy). The sound these dried branches made against skin was rattly and rhythm, like the sound of the can of rocks Willie Nelson’s other plays in his band, only it consumes all of the audible range.
There are two types of contrast showers: the first is a wood bucket attached to a pivot overhead with a rope attached to the front. The bucket fills with cold water, you pull the rope and the bucket empties on your head — like on Tom the Sadist, the cartoon that was never made. The other is a large wooden tank (5-feet tall and in diameter). It is full of cold water. You climb in it and dunk yourself. I probably preferred the dunk tanks, but did both between baths each time through. And don’t forget the pool. Skinny dip, lounge poolside, naked with the guys (or girls).
When you’re done bathing, get a massage. There are several options available. General, Oil (my recommendation) and soap (intriguing). Thay are all be in the same room, out in the open on marble slabs. On the plus side, the marble is heated. On the minus side, marble is a rock. I recently read, “Ali and Nino”. In that Ali went to a bath and it said that the masseuses were naked. I thought this was unnecessary and strange and assumed this was no longer the practice after decades of homophobia. When I went in the massage room, all of the masseuses were in various states of being naked. The one who would be working on me was wearing only a towel. I thought, “OK?” He changed into a pair of shorts and massaged me. The soap massage looked interesting, but I will save it for next time.
All tolled, I was there for about 2.5 hours and it cost under $40.