This post is borne out of some reflection following a Thanksgiving spent with family. A Brother-in-Law is a homophobe and a transphobe and phobic of just about anything he doesn’t understand. Now, to be clear, this post is not about how to accept haters into your life. At most, haters should be given tolerance — but never acceptance.

What I am interested in is how to accept those outside the norm that you don’t understand. Whether it’s homosexuality or transgender or asexuality or something else that you don’t understand, the right answer is not to reject this gender or orientation out of fear. To do so, you also reject the person and people should not be thrown away.

When Alison told us that she was trans, we didn’t understand it or know how to react and were certainly not ready to accept. We also knew that we had to, because we could not reject this child. So, we continued to love her. We treated her with kindness. And we worked toward understanding and acceptance. I think it is going well.

As for the Brother-in-Law, he’s a no-it-all jackass with no interest in understanding or acceptance. These qualities are irredeemable. He will continue to see the surface of people and make judgments on that basis.